First of all, I feel unattached. This means freedom but it also means too many options. And that has resulted in this annoying disorientation with life. There's something slightly comforting about having obligations and responsibilities that limit you. Limitations mean you have a path you're supposed to follow.
For the last couple of weeks, the debt seemed to be my number one limitation. My stomach was twisted up, my shoulders heavy with stress, my brain spinning in a panic... all over this thought that I'd have to start paying off the plastic. I'd be a minion of some credit card company, working to make a minimum payment. Ultimately, the debt is manageable and I'm not going to let it steer me into further unhappiness.
Patience. I'm doing my best to be patient with my transition back into the United States. The place looks the same at first glance but if I stand still and gaze at it with my 'new eyes', I notice changes in the landscape of people's lives. Something's different. Everyone claims it's not them and I claim it's not me. I think I'm currently in the process of working that out.
My mood dips frequently. There are many days where I feel alone in a crowded room. I know my journey isn't over. So I'm going to keep on going for a few more weeks.
I caught the new Wong Kar Wai film, My Blueberry Nights, the other day. I loved it. One of the issues that I've been struggling with since I started traveling is my movement away from my passion for filmmaking. It's a scary thing to decide that you have this desire to pursue something, then to find yourself putting it on the back burner just a few months later. Filmmaking had become part of my identity but I'm just discovering other parts of myself. I'm not sure how filmmaking will play a role in my life yet. I just want people to know it. I've taken the pressure off myself to tackle those parts of my dreams. I'm confident it'll happen but it's not something I've put a time frame around right now.
I watched this film about a journey, about love, and I was swept in so deeply. My eyes welled as it ended. I remembered the power a film and a filmmaker can have over someone. If you find yourself catching this one in the theaters, be patient through the first 15 minutes and maybe you'll grow as the characters grow on screen.
Next stop, Florida. See you there.