I can't quite put my finger on what I'm feeling right now. It's not quite happiness though. I feel ill prepared for such an undertaking. What I hate the most is my inability to get excited about the trip. Anytime I discuss it with someone, I have a look of extreme discomfort on my face. I think as I start my travels, I'll have to really figure out what my objective is. I probably won't start thinking seriously about this trip until I'm in the middle of it. Screwy. I don't know what to feel about the whole thing, I've never done anything like this. Every step is unknown. I may be focusing on the negative but that's just the way I prepare. I need to know the risks, assess the possibilities of bad things happening, and figure out how I'm going to deal with it. People try to reassure me all of the time. 'You're going to meet so many people, see so many things, etc. etc.' Well, hell, I can deal with that. I'm not worried about the amazing experiences I'll have. I'm not worried about how much fun I'm going to have. You get what I'm saying? So until then, pardon the frown on my face when you ask me whether I'm excited about the trip.
Right now I'm dealing with giving up (or putting on hold, I should say) everything I had going for me here, everything I was working to obtain, every goal I was trying to reach. I'm dealing with leaving family, friends, colleagues. If you know me, you know I pride myself in being there for people (yes, there are times when I'm too caught up but we all get caught up). And now I'm taking off.
Not having ties to much of anything or anyone is allowing me to take this opportunity right now... but honestly, I can't wait to make some ties when I get back.